They don't teach you this in school

As many of you know I am a licensed mental health clinician (LMHC). I went to school at the University of North Florida for both my undergraduate in Criminal Justice and graduate in mental health counseling degree. I have worked at the Florida State Attorney's Office in Jacksonville as a case manager in a juvenile delinquency program for troubled youth, at River Region as an addiction/co-occurring counselor for youth and for adults, and at two private inpatient programs for addiction and mental health disorders as a therapist. Currently I work as a mental health specialist for a new helpline serving our military who have served post 9/11 and their caregivers through the wonderful organization, Wounded Warrior Project.

I learned quickly that it takes a special kind of person to have the compassion to help others while also focusing on self care so not to get burned out or get what they call compassion fatigue. Basically I learned that at the end of the day I need to leave work at work and focus on me, my family, my friends and what I like to do outside of work. This goes for anyone in social services and sure, it's easier said than done sometimes. From what I've been through in battling brain cancer (now twice), college programs geared toward helping others such as in social services should put more focus on self care. Here's my story as to why:

So far in my journey with Timmy the tumor, I've taken things in stride. I've cracked jokes, been very open about my experience, and maintained a positive attitude and outlook on life because of my faith.
I do not fear death. I do not expect death even though statistics show the outcome is often inevitable in 2-3+ years with a grade III anaplastic Astrocytoma. I said, "no big deal, bring it on!" when the doctors suggested I do 6 weeks of radiation and chemotherapy, then chemo again for a year following. I was apathetic when they said I would lose my hair..."it will grow back, no problem," I thought. WRONG. Regarding this, that statement couldn't be more wrong. Yeah I was apathetic to the thought, but that in no way prepared me for what I was about to face. It happens suddenly. I had heard that from personal accounts, but a voice in my head always tried to deny it and downplay the idea that it would happen to me. Surly I could be the 4th person in my radiation oncologists career that would miraculously still have all their hair at the end of 6 weeks. Yeah...no. I'm almost a full three weeks in and my hair started coming out in handfuls two days ago. Now I have a lot of hair...but in just two days, I feel like I've lost like half my hair on the left side of my head... there are bald spots. No big deal, right? It's not noticeable yet...still couldn't be more wrong. This totally sucks. In my heart I know it's not the end of the world, hair grows back, relax. In my mind I'm screaming and crying at the thought. Pulling out fistfuls of hair is not right and it's not easy no matter how you look at it. I battle with whether or not to shave it now and keep from re-traumatizing myself every time I take a brush to my head or wait and see what happens in the next couple days.

The hair loss, I have found, is my weakest link fighting this disease. Seems so trivial and materialistic after all I've been through in the past 2.5 years. I can't even pinpoint why it carries more of a shock value than the diagnosis itself. Maybe because without hair I will actually "look" sick? Maybe because I feel I've been in control up to now and I can't control this? Don't get me wrong...I know God is in control, my heart knows. Jeremiah 29:11 says "for I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." But even beautifully written scripture--words of truth and promise--doesn't take away the struggle I feel internally right now. I will continue to seek answers through Christ, even in and especially with this fight. I do not question why I was given this disease or think it unfair that I have brain cancer. That truly has never crossed my mind. But dang it if the symptoms of treatment don't suck! All the while I still have much to be thankful for: no nausea, still able to work out and was released to play soccer, I am back at work and loving every second of it, I am able to walk, run, do activities even though my right side from my armpit down (my foot is the worst) is numb. I am thankful to the Man above for all that I have.

I supposed I can look at this as another one of those scenarios that "you never know what you had until it's gone" kinda thing, but in a positive way. I could likely make a list of pros and cons and make my decision based on the outcome. Pros: it will grow back, learning to love myself as the same but yet a different me,  less time to get ready in the morning, not having to spend money on shampoo or conditioner right now, finding and matching head scarves to my outfits, wearing really big earrings because I can and my hair won't be in the way, etc. Cons: unsure how, when, or what it will look like when my hair grows back, being self conscious out in public. I could also flip a coin--to shave or not to shave...in the end, I think the outcome will be the same...it's time to let it go. Live and let live. Deep breath...hold....and release. Everything is going to be okay. It always is.

Sincerely,

Tara