People keep saying, "take care of you," "clean 'this' or read 'that' book you haven't had time for," "do things you never get the chance to do." And that's okay, I understand where they are coming from. But what I want is nothing more than to get back to doing what I love and that is working at WWP as a mental health specialist. No, work does not define me. I live for a lot of things in life and work just happens to be one of them. Not everyone gets to say they do what they love everyday. Not everyone gets to say they enjoy getting up in the morning and fighting traffic just to go work. Not everyone gets to say they are employed with an organization and with people who have a common goal and mission to make others' lives better...more importanly making the lives of the people who serve this great country and their families lives better. When I am at work I get to help warriors and their families understand why they feel the way they do, how to accept and work through their new normal as they battle the loss of a limb, loss of a loved one, or struggle with PTSD, anxiety, depression, etc etc. I live for that. I don't live for the paycheck every two weeks. I live to make a difference and I am blessed enough to be able to do that with my career.
Aside from that I will tell you, one of the hardest parts about right now is the fact that I don't look sick. Not that I want to look sick or even feel sick, but at least if I did people would understand why I am on short term disability and maybe I would not feel so guilty about not working. I feel like when people ask me how I am doing I shouldn't answer with "I feel great" or "I am doing great." But it is the truth. After surgery, I was walking the following day. I had surgery on a Thursday and stopped taking pain meds that Friday (it helps that I can't stand how they make me feel). Three weeks after surgery I was back to working out and doing crossfit a couple to three times a week. I haven't slowed down a beat. I now wait with anticipation that I will tire easily from the treatments or get sick from the chemo. So far, neither has happened and I hope I continue to defy the statistics. Time will tell.
With all that said, I would like to share of the many blessings that have happened while I have been out. A few weeks back when I was told to prepare to lose my hair from the radiation, my step dad suggested that Anthony (my fiance) and I try to have some wedding pictures taken. I set out to try and make that happen. And for the first time I became overwhelmed emotionally...not because I might lose my hair, but from the outpouring of love and support I had been recieving from friends, family and total strangers. I called Men's Warehouse in Orange Park and in telling them what I was facing was able to get Anthony's tux donated for the day (the manager I spoke with was so warm and accomadating, and was currently battling his 4th time with cancer). Our wedding photographers did not even hesitate to come and take pics separate from our engagement and our wedding day. Our venue graciously opened their doors so we could have the pictures taken where we are set to get married in September. A friend of our photographers offered her make up artistry for the occassion and my dad's girlfriend offered to pay to have my hair done. It was so wonderful and on a perfect evening we were able to have formal wedding pics taken in the event that I do not have hair for our actual wedding. I cried. I. cried. I had called my sister to tell her and invite her out to be apart of the event. At one point in the conversation, I again became overwhelmed with emotion and had to choke back tears. She realized I was crying and was speechless, she said "uh, uh, I don't know what to do or to say. You don't cry. I am the crier." I laughed out loud because it's true. This was the first time since my second diagnosis that I had cried. It felt good, but it didn't last long. They were ineed happy tears and I had so much to smile about!
Also since then I finally completed the process to officially recieve my Florida License for Mental Health Counseling (LMHC). That has been many years in the making. I had taken and passed the exam in January, but then got side tracked with the seizure, MRI results, surgery, and brain cancer diagnosis. But I could not possibly let my hard work go to waste! It feels great to have that little piece of paper that says I am a licensed clinician.
During this process, I have also joined several support groups through FB (I continue to attend Sontag Brain Tumor Support group monthly) and it has given me an outlet when needed, but moreso it has given me hope. So many times I read stories of those who defy the statistics. It helps to have other survivors share their experiences. While every person diagnosed with a brain tumor and/or brain cancer has a different experience, reading about someone who has the same diagnosis and is a many year survivor makes me happy. It is a constant reminder to not give up.
There are so many things to be grateful for each day. I may have started this blog a bit on the negative side, complaining about being out of work, but inside I know I am blessed. All I have to do is look around and reflect within and I realize I am blessed beyond words. I began a challenge (as seen on FB) to identify 100 things that make me happy in 100 days #100daysofhappy. This, too, has helped me stop, reflect, redirect negative thoughts and remember to count my blessings. Without a doubt 9.5 out of 10 days I am doing and feeling wonderful. But being human allows even the strongest and most positive people to have their down days.
Here is my quote for today: "There are exactly as many special occasions in life as we choose to celebrate."
Make today a day to celebrate. :)
See you all next time! Love and hugs!
No comments:
Post a Comment