What I am getting ready to face

Stop what you are doing and close your eyes...
        Chances are where ever you are, whether at your desk, on the couch with your computer, or on your phone reading this, if you closed your eyes you could reach out and touch an object...knowing exactly where to put your hand, where your hand is going and what you are touching. For example, right now I am sitting at my desk in front of my computer. If I closed my eyes I know that I could put my hand out and grab my coffee cup because I know that it is to the left of me, by my phone which I could also grab without questioning what I am doing. Sounds simple, right?
        Well, that task may not be so simple for me following my surgery April 26, 2012. When I met with my doctor yesterday to discuss details of what to expect following surgery, he warned me that my sensory perception very well could be completely out of whack. He gave an example stating, "You could wake up and not be able to move your left arm. Not because you are paralyzed, but because you don't know that is your left arm. Your brain isn't making that connection." I could also face issues with walking, physically having to think about where my foot is going and making sure it is going in front of me, or if I touched something hot I may not be able to tell myself hey that's hot, move your hand stupid. Annnnd I pretty much need to expect to not be able to drive anywhere for 3 to 6 months following surgery. Bummer. All of the stuff I am describing though is rehabilitative, which is good obviously, it will just take time. Best case scenario: I rehab fairly quickly and go home with a cane or a walker and continue outpaitent rehab at Brooks. Worst case scenario: I do not rehab as quickly as they would like while I'm in the hospital and a spend a week to a month in inpatient rehab at Brooks. Dr. Chandler did mention that there is a slight chance that I could wake up with no symptoms or deficits. If I have had this tumor since I was a child, my brain already developed around it causing other parts of my brain to take up the slack for which that part of the brain controls and functions. If that is the case, then when they remove it I will be just like I am now. If the tumor has only grown in the last couple of years, then the brain has already developed and removing it will cause the deficits we are expecting. We won't know for sure what will happen until it happens...which has always been my motto throughout this process. I inevitably must go with the flow and there is no sense in worrying about something if it hasn't happened yet.
        They will have to shave around the incision. Dr. Chandler plans on cutting an incision big enough for two reasons. 1.) to expose enough of the surrounding part of the brain so that they can monitor it with electrode things and make sure they don't cause more damage than they want to and 2.) because the likelihood of me having another surgery 5 or 10 years from now is high and they have to go in through the same incision and they have to make it big enough so they can reach the tumor that has regrown (which generally grows within centimeteres to inches of the first one). My doctor did say he tries to cut or shave as little as possible which means I will probably have a 1inch strip of hair missing that may be the length of 6 inches or more and in the shape of a wide U around the left side of my head. I'm fairly certain, though, that with my hair cut I got today I should be able to cover it or hide it well when it's all said and done. If not, then I'll shave the other side and make a mohawk out of the whole thing! :) Juuuust kidding...I could never...I would shave it all before I did that craziness and then rock some awesome scarves or something classy.
       The surgery should take a few hours. I am to be at the hospital by 5:30am and should go back into the surgery around 7:30am but with all the set up and computer stuff they have to do first, the actual surgery won't begin until around 9:30am or 10:00am. Dr. Chandler believes I should be out and awake by lunch time. It took longer than expected last time when I had the biopsy, but maybe he will be right this time. Regardless of how long or how short it will be I trust and know that they will do everything they can to remove as much of "Timmy" as possible and I will be safe in their hands. I also know that God will be with me in the operating room holding my hand the whole time, stroking my hair and will have his hands in my surgeon's hands as he removes the mass. 
       It's two weeks away to the day and people keep asking me how I am doing. My parents said it best yesterday in the doctors office...they are more nervous than I. The surgery isn't what I am worried about, my biggest concern lies with what we don't know and what we won't know until I wake up from surgery and that is just what kind of deficits and challenges are to come. I am just ready for this all to be done and over with. I am not exactly looking foward to having to rely on people to get me around town to rehab appointments or feel like they have to watch my every move when I am in my own home, but I am grateful to have the support I do. It's going to be difficult to accept help from anyone because I have always been so independent. But I know with every challenge that comes my way I will put my all into overcoming them. This will not defeat me...what has defeated me thus far? Nothing...and nothing ever will.