It wasn't easy the following days, weeks, or even months now since I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. The weirdest thing to deal with is the fact the I do NOT have any symptoms..nor did I prior to being diagnosed. From all the information I gathered on the website Dr. Chandler recommended (www.abta.org) I probably wouldn't have had any symptoms until it got worse and was in the grade III or IV stage of development. I would have experienced symptoms such as seizures (and couldn't even imagine doing that if it happened) And not only was I not experiencing any symptoms from a brain tumor, but there was the ever lingering and looming "life expectancy" issue that came up in discussion. Average life expectancy is 7.5 years for people diagnosed with a grade II glioma. The first few days following that dreaded news I didn't necessarily cling on to that idea...you know...the possibility that I could die before my parents, die before I had the chance to be happily married, die before I was able to have kids, or earn the Ph.D I have always wanted...but it definitely crossed my mind often. And it most certainly changed my perspective on life itself (although that could have been the car accident that helped change my perspective irregardless of a brain tumor). Either way, I found myself more sensitive to those around me, more engaged and empathetic with my clients (I am a substance abuse and mental health counselor/therapist), and less inclined to get angry over situations that might have otherwise pushed me over the edge. I found myself wanting to make personal contact with old friends I took for granted, forgiving people (and at times myself) for things of the past of which I was holding resentment, and appreciating small gestures of kindness or a lone flower growing with an aura of sunshine on a cloudy day as well as really beginning to count the many blessings in my life altogether. And speaking of blessings, that car accident was a blessing. If not for the car accident I may not have found the tumor in the early stage I did. God is good.
I do my best to maintain a positive attitude because it really comes down to this: you can either ball up in a corner and cry and be in denial about everything or you can face each day and challenge with the unwavering strength and love of God believing that what He has in store (regardless of outcome) is exactly how it will be whether you stand up or not. Now, don't let me kid you. Not all days are butterflies and rainbows. There have been days I have cried uncontrollably not knowing or understanding what is happening to me and/or what is to come. I have had days where I didn't want to talk to anyone or be around anyone because I was perfectly and contently miserable with my own thoughts of the situation. I have had nightmares. I have had sleepless nights. I have had trouble concentrating and focusing at work. But every day that I wake up I thank the Lord above that He gave me another day to live and try to make the best of each and every moment I am able to spend with my friends, family, my beloved cats, my co-workers, and the unbelievable support I have surrounding me since my diagnosis.
My surgery is creeping up quickly (it is currently schedule for April 24, 2012) and people often ask me if I am getting nervous. I always tell them "no." What is there to be nervous about? They are only cutting my head open and removing a life threatening mass on my brain. :) Ha!! Call that sarcasm if you will, but I am being serious. Afterall...we (my friends and I) named that life threatening mass Timmy. Timmy the Tumor. It adds humor to the entire situation and that is probably just another way to help cope with such an awful topic. It helps me help my friends and family if I can make light of it (plus I get to blame all my inability to concentrate, forgetting things, and random thoughts that don't make any sense on "someone" else). We are even having a "toodle loo Timmy" party the weekend before my surgery! Just another reason to celebrate life :)
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