The Night Before Surgery

To all my friends and family
And even those six degrees separated
I need you to hear me out
So even if it's boring, listen up
No matter what happens in my journey
You need to live like it never happened
And Live like every day is your last

Remember the moments in your life
Cherish the time you spend together
Laugh
Cry
Laugh until you cry
Make Mistakes
Fall in love...more than once
Don't have regrets
Stop over analyzing ways you could have made something better
Accept you did your best
And if you didn't do your best, do it over again...but not the same way

You see, not all experiences allow you a second glance, a new perspective
So live it this way the first time.
Give more to others without expecting something back
Don't change for others; be extraordinary
Eat lots of food and make sure they are all your favorites
Pick up a new hobby, try knitting...who cares!?

Don't judge others
Listen more than you talk (a task I am still trying to master)
Spend your money to the last dollar because you can't take it with you anyway
Take LOTS of pictures to forever capture the memories
Drive...drive fast....but drive safely
Do something daring...like jumping out of a perfectly good airplane
Travel to foreign places
Love and care for animals
Sleep with your baby blanket as an adult (remember, don't judge)

Play in the rain and watch a lightning storm (not necessarily at the same time)
Work really hard, but do it because it makes you happy
Not because it makes you money
Volunteer your time for anything
Go to church, get saved
Listen to music, all kinds...and LOUDLY
Dance in your car
Sing in the shower (the acoustics in my shower always made me sound better anyway)
Cradle a new born baby
Learn something new every day

Cherish every breath because you don't know when it will be your last
Live with your best girl friend for at least a year and drink lots of wine
Take a girls trip to New York...or California...or Key West
Go camping in the woods, and in the mountains
Try surfing
Join a sport team with your Dad
Go to concerts with your sister and buy her shirts so she will remember the night forever
Share a glass of wine and childhood memories with your Mom
Watch stupid YouTube videos with your friends

Forgive others...and then, forgive yourself
Be lazy
Cuddle on the couch with your significant other
Don't leave the house or hang up the phone without saying I love you
Don't assume that they just know...say it!

Look at the stars, then go to a remote place where it is pitch black on the side of a mountain and look at the stars again
Say Thank you...and mean it
Be Humble
Accept help
Pray

It's all these things, and so much more, that cross my mind before a big surgery like this. The scary part isn't the surgery, it's the unknown.  But what I do know and what I will forever live by is this:

If God brought me to it, then He will bring me through it.

Goodnight and God Bless!! See you on the other side (of surgery you crazy people...)

What I am getting ready to face

Stop what you are doing and close your eyes...
        Chances are where ever you are, whether at your desk, on the couch with your computer, or on your phone reading this, if you closed your eyes you could reach out and touch an object...knowing exactly where to put your hand, where your hand is going and what you are touching. For example, right now I am sitting at my desk in front of my computer. If I closed my eyes I know that I could put my hand out and grab my coffee cup because I know that it is to the left of me, by my phone which I could also grab without questioning what I am doing. Sounds simple, right?
        Well, that task may not be so simple for me following my surgery April 26, 2012. When I met with my doctor yesterday to discuss details of what to expect following surgery, he warned me that my sensory perception very well could be completely out of whack. He gave an example stating, "You could wake up and not be able to move your left arm. Not because you are paralyzed, but because you don't know that is your left arm. Your brain isn't making that connection." I could also face issues with walking, physically having to think about where my foot is going and making sure it is going in front of me, or if I touched something hot I may not be able to tell myself hey that's hot, move your hand stupid. Annnnd I pretty much need to expect to not be able to drive anywhere for 3 to 6 months following surgery. Bummer. All of the stuff I am describing though is rehabilitative, which is good obviously, it will just take time. Best case scenario: I rehab fairly quickly and go home with a cane or a walker and continue outpaitent rehab at Brooks. Worst case scenario: I do not rehab as quickly as they would like while I'm in the hospital and a spend a week to a month in inpatient rehab at Brooks. Dr. Chandler did mention that there is a slight chance that I could wake up with no symptoms or deficits. If I have had this tumor since I was a child, my brain already developed around it causing other parts of my brain to take up the slack for which that part of the brain controls and functions. If that is the case, then when they remove it I will be just like I am now. If the tumor has only grown in the last couple of years, then the brain has already developed and removing it will cause the deficits we are expecting. We won't know for sure what will happen until it happens...which has always been my motto throughout this process. I inevitably must go with the flow and there is no sense in worrying about something if it hasn't happened yet.
        They will have to shave around the incision. Dr. Chandler plans on cutting an incision big enough for two reasons. 1.) to expose enough of the surrounding part of the brain so that they can monitor it with electrode things and make sure they don't cause more damage than they want to and 2.) because the likelihood of me having another surgery 5 or 10 years from now is high and they have to go in through the same incision and they have to make it big enough so they can reach the tumor that has regrown (which generally grows within centimeteres to inches of the first one). My doctor did say he tries to cut or shave as little as possible which means I will probably have a 1inch strip of hair missing that may be the length of 6 inches or more and in the shape of a wide U around the left side of my head. I'm fairly certain, though, that with my hair cut I got today I should be able to cover it or hide it well when it's all said and done. If not, then I'll shave the other side and make a mohawk out of the whole thing! :) Juuuust kidding...I could never...I would shave it all before I did that craziness and then rock some awesome scarves or something classy.
       The surgery should take a few hours. I am to be at the hospital by 5:30am and should go back into the surgery around 7:30am but with all the set up and computer stuff they have to do first, the actual surgery won't begin until around 9:30am or 10:00am. Dr. Chandler believes I should be out and awake by lunch time. It took longer than expected last time when I had the biopsy, but maybe he will be right this time. Regardless of how long or how short it will be I trust and know that they will do everything they can to remove as much of "Timmy" as possible and I will be safe in their hands. I also know that God will be with me in the operating room holding my hand the whole time, stroking my hair and will have his hands in my surgeon's hands as he removes the mass. 
       It's two weeks away to the day and people keep asking me how I am doing. My parents said it best yesterday in the doctors office...they are more nervous than I. The surgery isn't what I am worried about, my biggest concern lies with what we don't know and what we won't know until I wake up from surgery and that is just what kind of deficits and challenges are to come. I am just ready for this all to be done and over with. I am not exactly looking foward to having to rely on people to get me around town to rehab appointments or feel like they have to watch my every move when I am in my own home, but I am grateful to have the support I do. It's going to be difficult to accept help from anyone because I have always been so independent. But I know with every challenge that comes my way I will put my all into overcoming them. This will not defeat me...what has defeated me thus far? Nothing...and nothing ever will.
      

A REAL knight in shining armor

This entry is to tell you all about me and my boyfriend, my rock, my love. Anthony and I met like a lot of couples this day and age...on an online dating site. I saw his profile and wrote him an email. We shared a great, in depth conversation over multiple emails in the course of a couple weeks before we decided to meet face to face in person. When we did, we met at Yoga Berry (YOBE) on September 8, 2011. We talked for hours before I had to end that lovely evening to go home and give my cat a shot (she had diabetes). We stayed in contact and met up 2 or 3 times following September 8 and I will tell you, Anthony was such a gentleman. He was so sweet, soft spoken, quirky and funny, intelligent, and had a HUGE interest in cars which I think is where we hit it off most. :) It wasn't long, though, when our dating relationship would be shattered with uncertainty. Anthony had invited me to a car show Sunday October 9, 2011. But, that life altering car accident happened October 8 and I remember when I got to the hospital, all I could think of was that I had to call him and tell him I probably wouldn't be making it to the car show with him. When I called, he was in St. Augustine visiting with his grandfather and immediately told me that he would head to the hospital. I tried to tell him not to come to the hospital and that I would call him when I was released. Little did I know at the time that I wouldn't be released for 3 days. Anthony showed up to the hospital and sat by my side. He followed me to Baptist Downtown when I was transferred after they found the brain mass. He was quiet, he held my hand, and was a strong and loving presence in a very scary time in my life.

I am going to pause here to say this, I wasn't sure about Anthony then. I wasn't sure I was ready for a relationship at that time. But what I came to realize about Anthony in those days that followed my accident, in the days and evenings he spent at my side while I was in the hospital bed was this: he was pretty amazing. And I was lucky to have him apart of my life.

Anthony stayed with me a lot in the following weeks, caring for me after my accident and providing comfort and companionship. When I had my biopsy in November, he stayed over night at the hospital with me and took me home when I was released. Then came my diagnosis in December. I called him immediately following my appointment with Dr. Chandler when I found out what kind of brain tumor I had. Again, he was quiet. He had questions, but we would have to continue the conversation when I got home from work....and we did. I sat on the couch with him and talked to him about the diagnosis and what I had learned about it so far that day. Before going to sleep that night he asked me if there was anything he could do for me. He expressed his concern for my well being and told me that if I needed to cry, or if I needed anything that he would be the shoulder to lean on. I gave him an option that night: either stay in this relationship, stay with me and endure this journey, or leave now. I wouldn't have been mad at him if he had decided to leave our very new, still blossoming relationship. Afterall, how can you ask someone to stay with you not knowing whether or not you'll survive more than 10 years? I found out quickly, though, that you can't make that decision for someone else. It wasn't my decision, it would inevitably be his decision and I probably wouldn't be able to sway it either way. Needless to say, he came home from work the next day and had bought me flowers and the sweetest card. The card basically read like this: "I'm not going anywhere." 

And so it was, me and Anthony, on this journey...my hand in his every step of the way. Anthony and I have only been dating since September 8, 2011. It's been just over 7 months but we have endured more in 7 months then I think most couples have in years! I couldn't have asked for anyone better in my life during this time or at all. He really brings true meaning to the "in sickness and in health" phrase that marriages are supposed to be built upon. He came along in a time in my life when I wasn't sure I was ready for something more meaningful or more serious than just dating and became someone I love, respect, and am in complete awe of for being my rock and taking on a life with someone with an uncertain future. He is what fairy tales are made of...he is a real knight in shining armor, he is MY knight in shining armor. I love you Anthony Richardson!!

Nothing compares to compassion from others

          I have never been shy about telling anyone of my diagnosis. My view on that is that the more people that know the more support I can and will receive. I immediately and eagerly began searching for support groups through the American Brain Tumor Association website, talked with my friends about it and willingly answered questions to whomever was curious about my condition. I researched it and learned as much as I could about as little research that has been done on my type of tumor (Low grade glioma or Diffuse Astrocytoma Grade II). My Mom even bought me a shirt that says "Brain Tumor Survivor" that I will and have worn with pride. I do not own my diagnosis, it does not define me, I am still the same Tara as I was and will be the same Tara when this is all said and done.
          The amount of support I have received since I was told I had a brain tumor has been overwhelming. Outside of my immediate family and friends (who have been amazing from the beginning), the support surrounding me became blatantly obvious the day I posted on Facebook about how I needed to go to Mayo for a second opinion. My insurance did not cover the appointment and it was upwards of $500 plus for one visit to see a neurosurgeon for a second opinion! It's not like they were doing more CT or MRI scans, I was just going to talk to someone about my options. I was NOT posting that status to get people to feel sorry for me, I was really doing it out of frustration and concern...but within minutes (and I am literally talking like 5 or 6 minutes) I was contacted by my mother's friend who said she was sending $500 in the mail that day to help cover expenses to be able to go to Mayo Clinic. I was shocked, I began crying. I called my Mom, my Dad, my sister to tell everyone that my God, OUR God really shines in tough times and He was definitely shining now.        
       Within hours of that, several others (family and friends) had reached out asking how they could contribute, writing and sending checks to me and my mother to help cover any costs they could regarding my medical expenses. My long time friend Misty Moranville called me out of the blue (I hadn't spoken to her since graduating high school, but we kept in touch through FB) and said she was going to be in town and wanted to host a Premier Jewelry party on my behalf and give me part of the proceeds. I believe we raised over $500 in all from that night alone. It was a start and an uplifting experience that so many people wanted to help. And it was humbling. Most who know me, know that I am not one to reach out and ask for help. But I was graciously (yet sometimes hesitantly) accepting offers and donations from anyone knowing the battle I was facing had just begun and the journey I would and will partake in would be long and emotionally, physically and financially the most difficult time in my life.
          Then my family set up a website in honor of my journey and fight against "Timmy" with a button to PayPal which they had linked to a Trust Fund account in my name ( www.tanewtonfund.com ). They had a brilliant idea to do a Charity Yard Sale/Raffle/Auction to help raise money, too. The yard sale is on April 21 from 7am-3pm with a special performance by Rebecca Day(www.rebeccadayonline.com), a local artist and very close friend of mine. Rebeca Day's (who is the sister of my best friend Jen Day Thompson) mother, Kay Day wrote an article about me and published on several of her sites, too! You can find that article at http://www.theusreport.com/the-us-report/2012/3/23/how-a-car-crash-turned-out-to-be-a-blessing-for-tara.html.   Local companies have donated gift certificates to the raffle including Chili's, Birdies/The Pearl, and Wild Wing Cafe. Other local companies have offered to print free flyer's for my Charity Yard Sale. Friends have offered to donate free gift baskets from their salons, free seasons of kickball from WAKA kickball, and so much more that I know I am forgetting as I write this. My Dad's group of friends who are apart of EPIC Surf Ministries did a "hands on healing" special prayer session with and for me as well. A co-worker and very faithful servant of God made me a prayer blanket of which he had three masses and the Bishop pray over (he is Catholic) before giving it to me. Three other co-workers knitted another prayer blanket for me, each trading off for a couple weeks to knit each of their ends of the blanket, then wrapping it in the most beautiful box with the sweetest card.
          So far I think my family and friends have helped me to raise approximately $6k or more and so far (and this is BEFORE surgery that is April 26) my medical bills total close to $15k. The journey may have just begun...but the love and support from my friends, my family, my co-workers and even total strangers stretches far beyond any journey could go. How blessed am I? :)

From struggles to successes

It wasn't easy the following days, weeks, or even months now since I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. The weirdest thing to deal with is the fact the I do NOT have any symptoms..nor did I prior to being diagnosed. From all the information I gathered on the website Dr. Chandler recommended (www.abta.org) I probably wouldn't have had any symptoms until it got worse and was in the grade III or IV stage of development. I would have experienced symptoms such as seizures (and couldn't even imagine doing that if it happened) And not only was I not experiencing any symptoms from a brain tumor, but there was the ever lingering and looming "life expectancy" issue that came up in discussion. Average life expectancy is 7.5 years for people diagnosed with a grade II glioma. The first few days following that dreaded news I didn't necessarily cling on to that idea...you know...the possibility that I could die before my parents, die before I had the chance to be happily married, die before I was able to have kids, or earn the Ph.D I have always wanted...but it definitely crossed my mind often. And it most certainly changed my perspective on life itself (although that could have been the car accident that helped change my perspective irregardless of a brain tumor). Either way, I found myself more sensitive to those around me, more engaged and empathetic with my clients (I am a substance abuse and mental health counselor/therapist), and less inclined to get angry over situations that might have otherwise pushed me over the edge. I found myself wanting to make personal contact with old friends I took for granted, forgiving people (and at times myself) for things of the past of which I was holding resentment, and appreciating small gestures of kindness or a lone flower growing with an aura of sunshine on a cloudy day as well as really beginning to count the many blessings in my life altogether. And speaking of blessings, that car accident was a blessing. If not for the car accident I may not have found the tumor in the early stage I did. God is good.
I do my best to maintain a positive attitude because it really comes down to this: you can either ball up in a corner and cry and be in denial about everything or you can face each day and challenge with the unwavering strength and love of God believing that what He has in store (regardless of outcome) is exactly how it will be whether you stand up or not. Now, don't let me kid you. Not all days are butterflies and rainbows. There have been days I have cried uncontrollably not knowing or understanding what is happening to me and/or what is to come. I have had days where I didn't want to talk to anyone or be around anyone because I was perfectly and contently miserable with my own thoughts of the situation. I have had nightmares. I have had sleepless nights. I have had trouble concentrating and focusing at work. But every day that I wake up I thank the Lord above that He gave me another day to live and try to make the best of each and every moment I am able to spend with my friends, family, my beloved cats, my co-workers, and the unbelievable support I have surrounding me since my diagnosis.
My surgery is creeping up quickly (it is currently schedule for April 24, 2012) and people often ask me if I am getting nervous. I always tell them "no." What is there to be nervous about? They are only cutting my head open and removing a life threatening mass on my brain. :) Ha!! Call that sarcasm if you will, but I am being serious. Afterall...we (my friends and I) named that life threatening mass Timmy. Timmy the Tumor. It adds humor to the entire situation and that is probably just another way to help cope with such an awful topic. It helps me help my friends and family if I can make light of it (plus I get to blame all my inability to concentrate, forgetting things, and random thoughts that don't make any sense on "someone" else). We are even having a "toodle loo Timmy" party the weekend before my surgery! Just another reason to celebrate life :)

For the unexpected--a poem

Lord, if in this time and trial

You decide to take me

If there is anything left

Let my legacy leave

An understanding to those

That I will inevitably be

Forever in Your arms

Forever happy

Let them not cry tears of sorrow

Lord, please pray that they see

That this is Your doing God

And that You were always with me...

Holding my hand firm

During the challenging times

And the easy times, too

You were there to guide me

All the way through 

But not just with me, Lord

You were also with them the same

In the waiting room, during surgery

As they waited to hear my name

I have made it this far

In this journey I've just begun

And you've remained constant, unwavering

Through the night and rising sun

It is You, Lord, that I am grateful for

Indebted to You forever

My life You already know

My future You've already conquered

Tara Newton--January 18, 2012

How my journey began...

So, for some of you who read this you already know the story. But for those of you just joining the journey I am going to tell you how "Timmy" came to be and what is going on thus far. It was October 8, 2011. I had just dropped off my 21 year old cat at the vet and I was on my way to have breakfast with my Dad. Just two blocks from my destination I reached down to get something out of my purse...milliseconds passed. Before I had time to react or hit the breaks, I was shoved 50 feet into the on coming lanes of A1A just having experienced the worst accident I had ever been involved in. Up to this point in my life, I had never had so much as a stitch or broken bone! But, here I was, sprawled over my passenger seat, I had hit the rear view mirror and windshield following...blood began gushing out of my head. Needless to say, I stayed completely calm...almost dictating the scene by informing those who stopped to help to call an ambulance and then someone to call my Dad. I wouldn't be going to breakfast with him after all. I was taken by ambulance to Baptist Hospital at the Beaches to have some imaging done due to the head trauma. Soon enough, my totaled car and the 18 stitches I had in my forehead would be the least of my concern. The emergency room doctor entered the room, surrounded by my entourage of family, and began to explain that an abnormality was found on my brain. Having determined it was not caused by the car accident they sent me to Baptist Hospital Downtown for more testing. It was in those next 2 1/2 days I would learn that I had a brain tumor. Multiple doctors, neurologists, nurses, tests of all kind later I was released to go home with an appointment set up to see a neurosurgeon. Ultimately I would have to schedule a biopsy to determine just what kind of tumor was in this ol' brain of mine. So I did, November 22, 2011 was the day. I was put under anesthesia and Dr. Chandler drilled a hole in my head and took a sample of tissue from the tumor to test. Weeks passed and I grew more and more uneasy waiting to hear about the results of the biopsy. On December 7, 2011 the results were in and my mother, father and step father all gathered into a tiny doctors office. Dr. Chandler entered the room and escorted us instead to a conference room. I was diagnosed with a fairly common, yet uncommon type of brain tumor. Medically speaking it is called a low grade glioma. Scientifically speaking, it is referred to as a Diffuse Astrocytoma Grade II. Throughout all the information that was given on that day, two things stood out before I went numb: treatment options (surgery to remove, chemotherapy/radiation, or wait and watch), and life expectancy. Wait, there is a life expectancy with my brain tumor? Awesome.  Dr. Chandler explained that most people with this type of tumor will live five years, some will live 10 years, and not all will live 15 years. What? 15 years? But I'm only 26 years old.  Exactly. And yet the only thing I kept telling myself was not to cry in front of my parents and that I had to go back to work. This couldn't interrupt my life, not now...how could it? I have too much to do and I'll be damned if something like this would stand in my way. So that's what I did. I went back to work after that morning appointment. I didn't know how to react. I calmly told my closest friends, co-workers and other family members waiting to hear the news, my voice steady and unwavering. I knew if I could sound or look like I was okay, then surely they could believe it.

To be continued...